What It’s Like When an Instagram Bra Doesn’t Change Your Life
Emily Gould was fooled once, but she won’t be fooled again
So let’s talk about your breasts. I will talk about mine first. They are currently larger than I would wish. People think you’re showing off when you say this, but I’m not. I hit menopause during Covid and each breast got like two pounds bigger and softer. It’s fine, I mean, it’s life. But it’s also a lot of work. I hope you too would like to say some things about your 40-something breasts.
No problemo! I have never really had much ego about my breasts. They were too small when I was a teenager and now they’re big but not in a way I personally find sexy or fun. I had a great time breastfeeding my kids, which isn’t everyone’s experience and I’m very grateful for it. But one of the realities of that situation is that my breasts expanded and contracted over and over again. Eventually they regained some bounce but for a long time they were just completely flaccid and squishy. They require containment or else they flop around in a way that is ungraceful and also painful. Also in summer it’s hard to find a bra doesn’t make you hotter and sweatier than necessary.
(I’m 39 by the way. I’m the oldest millennial.)
I’m sorry I added years onto your life. So, tell me about the circumstances, either short-term or long term, that brought you to the place where you were ordering a bra from an Instagram ad.
I hate all my clothes right now. I also hate the sheets on my bed, my washable rugs, pretty much every washable, durable, practical textile in my life. Everything I’ve been joylessly cycling through for the past year and counting, from my bras to the recipes I make for dinner, I want to burn it all in a pyre. So that’s why I was ordering a bra from Instagram.
Tell me about the bra in particular. How did it GET YOU.
The bra had wide-set straps which could be cute on me because I have broad shoulders. I also liked how it had a minimizing effect but was…