Today Sucked

Did it suck for you too?

I am really starting to lose my mind. I can’t deal. I am enraged. I am enraged that I am enraged. I hate myself for being angry, I hate myself for hating myself, how dare I think of myself? Well, at this point, who else is there? That’s a joke, by the way.

At the beginning of the pandemic I thought a lot about all the mistakes I had made in life. One person I liked and another person I really liked stopped “talking” to me cold turkey. With the person I merely liked, I got it. With the person I really liked, I knew I had been a jerk, and weird, but was there nothing good stacked against that badness? Was I, on balance, disposable? The answer seemed to be yes. Oh my God, I thought, for weeks, then months, I am terrible, I am terrible. Then I just — well I can’t say I stopped thinking I was terrible but I think wore out a groove in my brain. “I’m terrible? I’m terrible? I’m terrible?” muttered in a tone of panicked horror into my bitten fingers, became, after a while, a simple declarative “I’m terrible!” Oh well!

After the introspective period I did work and I walked. I walked and walked. Then I swam and worked and walked. This is not so bad. This swimming and walking and working. A fellow could get used to this. Nature. The mind. Nature. The mind. Nature. The mind. Checks, direct deposit, nature, online shopping, the mind, checks…