I am really starting to lose my mind. I can’t deal. I am enraged. I am enraged that I am enraged. I hate myself for being angry, I hate myself for hating myself, how dare I think of myself? Well, at this point, who else is there? That’s a joke, by the way.
At the beginning of the pandemic I thought a lot about all the mistakes I had made in life. One person I liked and another person I really liked stopped “talking” to me cold turkey. With the person I merely liked, I got it. With the person I really liked, I knew I had been a jerk, and weird, but was there nothing good stacked against that badness? Was I, on balance, disposable? The answer seemed to be yes. Oh my God, I thought, for weeks, then months, I am terrible, I am terrible. Then I just — well I can’t say I stopped thinking I was terrible but I think wore out a groove in my brain. “I’m terrible? I’m terrible? I’m terrible?” muttered in a tone of panicked horror into my bitten fingers, became, after a while, a simple declarative “I’m terrible!” Oh well!
After the introspective period I did work and I walked. I walked and walked. Then I swam and worked and walked. This is not so bad. This swimming and walking and working. A fellow could get used to this. Nature. The mind. Nature. The mind. Nature. The mind. Checks, direct deposit, nature, online shopping, the mind, checks, get what you want at the grocery store, you never eat out anymore, think of all the people who can’t get what they want at the grocery store, think of them, well, yes, I can’t though, I can only think of me because I am the only one here, I mean, I can think of them but what then? Mutual aid. Do mutual aid. Know that it is mostly just charity with aspirations. Feel bad because you feel bad feel bad because you don’t feel bad go home and watch television and feel bad because it’s not fun.
Tonight I made a really good soup. It has six leeks in it. It called for two. I made a recipe with six leeks that called for two. Who says I don’t know how to have a good time? I do, but no one is listening, except for me, so, that means that — I will just enjoy my soup. It’s enough if I know how fun I am, it’s enough if I know how good I am at putting three times the amount of leeks in a soup. It has to be. So I’m terrible. No one else will ever know!